HOW TO FIND A HABESHA HUSBAND

Hi DaHabesha. My question is, as an independent woman in our culture how do I find a husband? Yours truly Selam (I changed her name for privacy purposes).

Cousin Blen is providing the following answer… Blen runs a business that specializes in leadership, relationship, and self-coaching.

Dear Selam,

Love, the sad truth is our society is still struggling to accept “too independent”, “too smart”, ‘too educated’’, and “too woke” women. I can see the problem from 2 aspects. Religion and social. Culturally, Ethiopian women were raised to be submissive and quiet. If you express yourself fearlessly you get nicknames such as “defar” and “Kurategna”. The Christian Bible states a wife should submit to her husband. I am not going to argue the metaphorical and literal meaning of the verse but let’s just say it has a huge influence in how men expect their wives to act in our culture. And then there is society telling you what to do, how to act as woman (do you remember being told “set lej endeza ataregem” but it was ok for a boy to do the same things)?

I had a client that was struggling with insecurities because her family kept telling her she will not find a man if she doesn’t calm down and change her ways (by that they meant her independent, outspoken, opinionated ways). I will tell you exactly what I told her years ago. “dest getamun ayatam”. Do not change who you are just because society tells you to. You have worked hard to be the woman you are today and if a “man” can’t understand the woman you are then he is not the “man” for you. Think of all the sacrifices you paid to stand where you are today. Are you willing to flush all that down the drain for a boy that will always act 2? The answer to that my dear, is a big giant NO. You need to be with someone that lights up your fire not someone who extinguishes it. The US national library of medicine article states 45% of first marriages in Ethiopia end in divorces within 30 years. One of the main reasons for divorce is settling. Settling for a man you think checks the boxes society has set for you. In the traditional Ethiopian way… “wifey” material woman is considered to be “angetwan yedefach, balemuya, yechawa beteseb lij, kuteb (bezum yematenager), yalwaten yemetekebel, and balway yemetakeber”. I haven’t heard anyone say a “wifey” material is a woman that is ambitious, adventurous, a go getter, outspoken, opinionated, independent, breadwinner and spontaneous. Now I see this changing a little bit in generation Y and Z and I can’t wait for this old school thinking to change. It is up to you and I to change this thought process. It is up to us to for a lack of better words “check our men.”

You might say “how do I do that?” Well. The next time you meet a man that is interested in you make sure you DO NOT let him get away with things the other woman before you let him. Make it very clear from day one what your intentions are and where you want to go with him. Make sure he knows your goals, ambitions, aspirations and dreams early on. Make sure he is not wasting your time. But, please be gentle. Think of it as breaking into a brand new red stilettos, if you use force you might ruin them.

As for where to meet them, hangout where likeminded people hangout at. For example, if you are a young professional find out where young professionals hangout and start showing up there and join a group that resonates with your hobby, attend social gatherings, be open minded, it is the 21^st century “the one” might not necessarily be Ethiopian. Ask your friends and family to introduce you to eligible men. Don’t be afraid to initiate a conversation with someone you are interested in.

Just remember you can never too much of anything for the right man!