Second Opinion

There is something very weird about this DaHabesha shit. It may not make sense to others, I just find it weird, in a good way of course. That’s a story for another day, but I’m amazed at how many people I’ve interacted with personally over the years. The fact that I enjoy good discussion and am more passionate about a healthy argument probably contributed to that. The most interesting and intelligent people often strike up random conversations with me. On Monday, 28Nov2022, I had an insightful conversation with two female medical doctors, one from Addis Ababa and the other from Philadelphia, US.

It all started with a tweet I made at 4:10 p.m. on Monday about sexual assaults. The tweet was inspired by the #16daysofactivisim on twitter, 16 Days of Activism against Gender-Based Violence. The 16 Days of Activism against Gender-Based Violence is an annual international campaign that kicks off on 25 November, the International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women, and runs until 10 December, Human Rights Day. For more information, search #16days on any social media platform.

The goal of my tweet was to engage the men in the conversation about #16days. It was my idea to provide opportunities for men to hear stories about sexual assault from the women they love and cherish, their girlfriends, wives, sisters, mothers, and their female friends.

While walking to my car to drive home, I composed a simple tweet around 4 pm. I posted it at 4:10 pm on Twitter and 4:12 pm on Instagram story. After seeing my post, both DM’d me. First, the doctor from Addis Ababa DM’d me on Twitter, and 4 minutes later the doctor from the US DM’d me on Instagram.

We had a DM discussion between 5:08 and 6:18 eastern time. (1:08 a.m. to 2:18 a.m. Ethiopian time).  In the days that followed, I began to think of sharing our conversation, with their permission of course.  I was given their blessings to share it.

5:08 pm – Twitter

Female Doctor 1:  Am saying it as a victim, it’s a very sensitive issue to discuss with anyone unless you overcome your fears. As someone who has been stalked, I can relate.

DaHabesha: I’m sorry we had to meet this way but i need to explain it to a little bit better. My intention is not to find out who was victimized or not… it’s just a chance to give the men an opportunity to discuss a sexual assault with their girlfriend, sister and mother or a female in their lives. What I’m interested in is to hear the men’s perspective after having that discussion with their loved ones. I’m not interested in the identity of the survivors. I’m very sorry to hear about your experience at a young age.

Female Doctor 1:  Those who have dealt with the problem appropriately could talk to their partners openly. Most of the people I know choose to suppress to the level of non-existence.

DaHabesha: Sorry I was driving and used the voice keyboard to send you the earlier message. This is what I wanted to say. A few years back, I asked my female followers to share with me their first experiences of sexual harassment on Instagram story (ለከፋ)… I collected about 800 responses in an afternoon. Women between the ages of 18 and 45 made up the female age group. Based on the data I collected, most commonly used ለከፋ was “ሚጣ ስታድጊ ልምጣ” by men from age group 27-33.  It has always fascinated me, and I wanted to follow up on it. Fortunately, I’m in a better position to collect and analyze data to gain a better understanding of the situation. That’s why I asked the questions. There is nothing malicious in my intentions, just pure curiosity.

Female Doctor 1: I know your intentions are clear, am just saying these problems are worse than ለከፋ. A lot of girls are sexually abused as a child and that leaves room for insecurity in their life, which will make it harder for them to discuss it with their partners.

DaHabesha: Fair enough! What’s the safest way to do this? Aside from dropping everything.

Female Doctor 1: Maybe not their partners or family, maybe talking to a stranger is easier. That’s why talking to a therapist is easier.

DaHabesha: Shall I delete it?

Female Doctor 1: Rephrase, ask if anyone is willing to come forward to talk.

DaHabesha: How would you rephrase it?  😔

Female Doctor 1: Have you ever been sexually assaulted? If yes and willing to talk about it, please Dm me. My intention is clear and is trying to collect data for research purposes.

DaHabesha: Eshi, thanks

Female Doctor 1: Am sorry if I was opinionated 🙏🙏🙏

DaHabesha: It’s much appreciated. A chance for me to learn about it. I appreciate your patience.

Female Doctor 1: Thank you for being a voice of reason 🙏🙏🙏 sometime soon I would like to talk to you about a project we are working on. I heard you have done something similar. I appreciate you for putting the effort to change.

DaHabesha: I’d be happy to hear about it and thanks for considering sharing it with me.

5:12 pm – Instagram

Female Doctor 2: These can be very triggering questions specially to younger women. It’s hard asking these questions and expecting an honest answer or if honest it may leave the person in a vulnerable position without appropriate resources for solutions. Asking women anonymously is different, still triggering though.

DaHabesha: The question is for those who are willing to answer it. If nothing else, the men would understand why they wouldn’t want to answer it. It’s an opportunity for them to speak with their partners or family members about sexual assaults, not their own, but the subject in general. My intention is not to find out who was victimized or not… it’s just a chance to give the men an opportunity to discuss a sexual assault with their girlfriend, sister and mother or a female in their lives. What I’m interested in is to hear the men’s perspective after having that discussion with their loved ones. 

A few years back, I asked my female followers to share with me their first experiences of sexual harassment on Instagram story (ለከፋ)… I collected about 800 responses in an afternoon. Women between the ages of 18 and 45 made up the female age group. Based on the data I collected, most commonly used ለከፋ was “ሚጣ ስታድጊ ልምጣ” by men from age group 27-33. It has always fascinated me, and I wanted to follow up on it. Fortunately, I’m in a better position to collect and analyze data to gain a better understanding of the situation. That’s why I asked the questions. There is nothing malicious in my intentions, just pure curiosity.

Female Doctor 2: I completely understand that and don’t think that there’s any bad intentions in your question, but it’s different when a man is asking a woman these questions.

Just saying that this can create windows for more anxiety and stress for the women who are being questioned. Even in the professional setting, we are advised not to explore too much into trauma, if we are not equipped to provide assistance or solutions, or if the person does not share this information voluntarily.

It is not as simple as having a conversation with a family member, a partner, or a loved one. These questions bring to surface a lot of unhealed, unaddressed issues that the persons left with at the end of the conversation. And I’m not telling you not to ask these questions I’m just saying there’s more to this, then a simple conversation starter.

DaHabesha: What is the best way to go about it? Rephrase, ask if anyone is willing to come forward to talk?

Female Doctor 2: Maybe Ask the women in you cohort if they feel comfortable, talking to their family, partner, loved ones about sexual assault, whether it’s personal experience, or the topic in general.

DaHabesha: How would you rephrase it? 😔

Female Doctor 2: For women who have experienced sexual assault: do you feel comfortable speaking to the men in your life (partner, brother, friend, father, or other family members) about your experience? Or raise a discussion about the topic in general without sharing your experience? If you have what was the response you received?

DaHabesha: Eshi, thanks… I will delete it

Female Doctor 2: Thank you.